


Anaesthetic

by torikabori



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, M/M, Saix POV, basically the Mystery Years between BBS and KH1... and then background stuff throughout KH1/Days/KH2, canonverse, just..., onesided akusai and nobodies having Definitely Not Feelings, that's really all this is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-03-15 23:29:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3466001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torikabori/pseuds/torikabori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Embarrassing crushes aside, Lea was Isa's best friend, and he loved that loser more than anything.</p>
<p>Saix, however, could not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love

The last thing Isa ever said to his best friend was, "Have a nice day."

He had been sitting at one of the long tables in the main dining room of the castle, finishing up his breakfast. Lea grunted in lieu of a greeting as he sat down. Then he proceeded to steal half of Isa's sausage and scrambled eggs, and make sad little grabby motions at the coffee pot until Isa moved it toward him.

"Use your words next time," he said fondly. Lea just whined again.

He had never been a morning person. When they were younger, the two had walked to school together, and sometimes Isa's yelling when he came to pick his friend up was the only thing that got Lea out the door on time. Nowadays Lea got himself up-- Master Ansem and Lieutenant Dilan were an awful lot scarier than his old homeroom teacher-- but the young man still needed at least an hour and two cups of coffee before he was functional.

"I don't understand why you don't go to sleep earlier," Isa told him now, watching his friend struggle with the fancy teacups. Lea was not made for posh china any more than he was made for the hours between three and eleven in the morning.

"Hey, I did pretty well last night. One in the morning isn't so bad." He raked a hand through his vivid red hair, making it even messier. Isa resisted the urge to neaten it for him.

"If you say so." Isa sipped his own coffee. To be fair, they had come a long way from the boys who had tried to break into this castle a few years ago. Now they were almost men: scientists in the massive laboratories of Ansem the Wise, nearly proper apprentices themselves. Isa was proud of them both. Their parents wouldn't be, of course, but there was a good reason they no longer lived at home.

Privately, Even had told him that he could be made an official apprentice whenever he wished; Isa was older than Ienzo, so age was not an issue, and beyond that he was 'clever and responsible beyond his years.' Isa had swelled with pride at that, but had not taken the offer. He did not want to leave Lea behind.

"Mornin', boys!" Braig sauntered into the room. Isa kicked Lea under the table until he returned the greeting. "Boss wants to see you," he told them both, grabbing the coffee for himself. "We made a major breakthrough in the labs last night. He's having one-on-one meetings with everyone to talk about it. Doesn't matter which one of you goes first."

"Was this after I left?" Isa tried not to sound as indignant as he felt. So much for being one of the team.

Braig downed his entire cup of coffee and poured himself another. "Well, when I say last night we're talking about five in the morning, so yeah. Don't take it personally, sometimes inspiration strikes at weird times. Besides, it's better if you kids are rested. You're still up for guinea pig duty, right?"

"Yeah," Isa said dubiously. Braig was usually chummy with everyone, but Isa had always suspected that there was a reason he was Ansem's right-hand man. "What did you guys figure out, exactly?"

Braig shrugged. "Hey, I'm just the messenger. I leave the thinking to the nerds." He finished his second cup, grimaced at the dregs, and set it down. "So who's coming to hear the news first?"

Isa looked at Lea, who waved him off. "You go on," he said. "I'm still half asleep."

Something about this morning felt odd to Isa-- maybe an unusual look in Braig's eye, or maybe the absence of Ienzo and Aeleus at breakfast, or maybe that was just Isa's own memory playing tricks on him later. At the time it all seemed fine. So Isa stood, emptied the rest of his coffee into Lea's cup, and tucked his chair in.

"You behave yourself," he told Lea, and flicked him on the forehead. "If I don't see you again, have a nice day."

Lea, his mouth full, said something unintelligible. Isa wrinkled his nose. Gross. But it was cute, in an exasperating sort of way, just like Lea. Someday Isa would have to fess up to his little crush, he knew, but that day was not today.

He followed Braig out of the room-- not to Ansem's office, he realized, or the labs, but to a wing of the castle that he had not seen yet. It was large and empty, sterile like the labs, hidden deep underground.

"Interesting place," he commented warily. Braig just shrugged and held the door open for him.

Ansem was waiting inside. Isa rarely saw him these days-- everyone was just so busy-- so he was struck once again by how youthful the man looked. True, he had silvery white hair, and carried himself with a certain mature poise, but his face looked about twenty years too young. _Maybe he had some kind of weird facelift,_ Lea had often joked, _or used some funky magic to make himself look younger. Maybe it went horribly wrong and that's why he can't make expressions anymore and doesn't go outside. I bet he still looks like that when Braig is sucking his dick._

Isa bit his lip to keep his own expression steady. Lea had plenty of inappropriate theories as to why their coworkers were the way they were, none of which should be repeated. Ever.

Now Ansem turned to face him. The man always seemed exhausted, as if he never slept and his mind was perpetually elsewhere. But his eyes were a piercing yellow, and now they focused in Isa in a way that gave him the shivers. Only now did Isa notice that Braig had left them, shutting the door behind himself. Ansem spread his hands.

"Isa, my young friend. Good morning."

"Good morning," Isa said dubiously. "Was there something you wanted to tell me, sir?"

"Yes. I have wonderful news-- we made great strides yesterday in unlocking the mysteries of the human heart."

"Yeah, I heard I missed out on all the fun." He hoped he did not sound petulant. "I could have stayed up."

Ansem smiled-- sort of. His lips turned up at the corners, but the rest of his face still looked half dead. "Dear boy, do not worry about your standing. We could not take the next step without you." He came forward, and Isa fought to keep his feet steady. Something felt wrong. "In fact, without you-- without everyone-- we may never reach the ultimate knowledge: discovering the heart of all things."

Was he talking about Kingdom Hearts? Shit, was that thing actually real? "What do you need me to do?" he asked in spite of his unease. This was what he had dreamed about.

"The answer was so simple that it eluded us," Ansem sighed. "As it happens, to unlock the mysteries of the heart, we simply need to... unlock the heart itself."

Isa nodded. That made sense. "What do you need me to do?" he asked again, and Ansem's smile widened.

The last thing Isa had ever said to Lea was "have a nice day." The next time they saw each other, he was not Isa anymore.

* * *

"I'm afraid this isn't so unusual, with those who rely too much on feeling." Zexion's words were cold and clinical-- Zexion, not Ienzo. They had new names to fit their new lives.

The young man who used to be Isa nodded. Lea had certainly been that way, always acting before thinking, doing whatever his heart told him to do. But now he had none, and the shell left behind was not used to acting without it.

"I always told him to use his head," Saix commented. Isa had often felt annoyed, exasperated, worried, whenever Lea got himself in trouble by ignoring his advice. But Saix felt nothing.

The creature who used to be his best friend sat up on the operating table when he was told, and allowed himself to be led out of the room. Saix followed as well. "I knew him best," he explained. "It stands to reason I should keep watch over him and tell him his new name."

Zexion nodded. "That is logical. We can't do anything with him until he's responsive."

Even-- Vexen-- sniffed in disapproval. "I'll have you know, the rest of us were not so weak. The longest time any of us took to adjust was six hours."

"Wasn't that you, Poindexter?" Braig (no, Xigbar, he was Xigbar now) asked. Saix did not see the point in his fake smile. Perhaps he was practicing for interacting with normal people?

Vexen raised his chin haughtily. "Reorganizing is more difficult when a room is more full. Of course my superior mind took some time to adjust," he scoffed.

"If it's more full, doesn't that mean you can't cram much else into it? No wonder you needed these kids!" Xigbar was laughing. Saix found it rather crass.

"He has a point," Zexion commented.

"I do not see what's to be gained by expending precious thoughts on you," Vexen said in a huff, and busied himself with cleaning up the lab.

"Suit yourself." Xigbar shrugged. "Come on, kiddo, let's get your buddy settled."

Saix took the body's hand and made him walk down the hall. "He isn't my 'buddy' anymore," he informed Xigbar, only just realizing it himself. Lea had been Isa's very best friend. But this empty husk was nothing to Saix.

Soon enough Xigbar gave up on conversation. Saix himself was still acclimating to his new identity, and in any case his attention was occupied with moving the body along. He was hardly more talkative than it was.

When they reached Lea's former room, the body looked up. Lea had broken the rules and put posters on his walls. Xigbar laughed again when he saw the decor.

The sound was not irritating, because Saix could no longer be irritated. But it was distasteful, and Saix wished to avoid it just as he would wish to avoid a bad smell. Eventually Xigbar left them. That was good.

"Do you know who you are?" he asked the body. Dull green eyes stared back. He used to find those eyes beautiful. Now they only looked dead.

"Isa," it said-- no, that was a question. "Isa?"

"I am Saix."

The body looked down. "I am..."

"Axel," Saix told him.

"Axel." Nothing more came out of it.

Saix gave up on talking and prodded the empty vessel into bed. "You will eventually become responsive," he told it. "Until then, we will check up on you. Then you will be number eight, and you will join us." He tilted his head. The body was staring at the ceiling, frowning slightly as if confused. "Someday you will be Lea again," he told it. "But now you are Axel."

There was no response. Obviously there wouldn't be.

Saix stared at the body a minute longer, knowing he should say something more but unsure what. He could remember wanting to say a great many things to the person this had been, all of them inappropriate. He remembered feeling things. But he could not feel anything now.

He brushed a lock of red hair out of the empty face. The color did not seem as vivid anymore, although Saix knew it could not have changed. He caressed the pale cheek. He had wanted to do that, once. But now it was only vaguely uncomfortable, like an itch he could not scratch.

"Isa loved you," he said. He was not sure why; he knew he was reaching for something that he could never touch, but it was as if he needed to reaffirm that the memory was still there, somewhere. "You were never told, and probably never guessed. But Isa was very deeply in love with you."

Axel was silent. He would not be self-aware for a while. Maybe it was harder for him because he did not have something so important to cling to?

"I apologize for my dishonesty," Saix said, because it seemed he should. He knew he sounded like a fool. Some part of him wondered if it would be a good thing if Axel remembered this later, so that Lea could confront his coward of a friend about it; still another part of him wondered if this could not all be a dream. But Saix knew better. If he could not forget some feelings, he had to at least forget fear.

He had to go back to the lab, he realized now. The others would be expecting him. Saix straightened up and took a step back. Scratching this itch would do no good. Still, though, it seemed... incorrect, leaving it at that. So he went on.

"I loved you," he repeated to the dead-eyed husk that had once housed his dearest friend. "Someday, when we are whole again, I will tell you how I feel. Until then, you must be patient, and you must be strong. Sleep well, and when you are recovered, meet me in the lab. That day cannot come soon enough."

Saix turned on his heel and left. If he still had such urges, he would have sprinted the entire way back to the lab. There was a tremendous amount of work to be done.

* * *

It had taken Number VIII twelve hours to become responsive. It was the longest recovery time of all, a record he would hold until Number XIII came along.

Saix was in the lab when he awoke, compiling notes on the procedure into proper reports. Axel recognized him, and asked him if he needed help. Saix cautiously directed him to neaten up some papers, put away some equipment. Axel did as he was told, though slowly, struggling through the haze of apathy that they had all known. Saix questioned him as they finished up. He had promised to do the check-up, after all, and it would not do to shirk his duties.

Axel remembered his own name, and Saix's. He remembered that they used to be friends. More detailed memories of his life before this would take a bit more time to resurface. That was fine. He did not remember the things Saix had told him right after he was changed. That was better.

Saix would tell him again, in time. But now was not the time.

* * *

"Yo."

Saix did not glance up from his paperwork. Axel had that tone again, that tone he used when he knew what the answer to a question was but he thought he was obligated to ask anyway.

"What," Saix said flatly, when it became clear that his colleague would demand acknowledgement today.

"A bunch of us are gonna go spar. Practice fighting, practice magic, all that. You in?"

"No." Saix did not see why Axel kept asking him to join these sessions when they both knew full well that neither magic nor fighting was Saix's strong suit. He was good at research and better at management. He would do that.

"Hey." A gloved hand came down to cover a timetable that Saix was referencing. Pursing his lips, Saix jerked the paper out from under Axel's hand. He then held it up to his face and squinted at it, hoping his unwanted company would take the hint.

Unfortunately, Axel was nothing if not persistent. It had once been a good quality of his, or at least one that his friends had liked. Now he let out a Nobody's best approximation of an aggrivated sigh and planted himself on the desk, scattering papers as he drew up his legs and effectively taking up all of Saix's workspace.

Axel grinned when Saix finally met his gaze. "Hey, I finally got your attention. No need to glare at me, buddy."

"I don't glare," Saix reminded him. Not anymore.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Sure you don't. And you definitely don't want to smack me into next week right now. Anyway..." He braced his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. Saix drew back and held his breath, a reaction that had remained habit long after he stopped having butterflies in his stomach when those green eyes stared into his.

Axel's tone was more serious now. "You should come with us," he insisted. "Your magic needs work, and I really need someone to kick Xaldin's ass. I can't control my fire that well with all his wind attacks everywhere, and no one else has the balls to take on Number Three. His head's getting inflated. I know you can take him, though." He grinned and clapped Saix on the shoulder. "C'mon, you and me against the rest! It'll be just like old times!"

Saix stared at the hand on his shoulder until it was awkwardly removed. Why his heart had been drawn to such a fool was beyond him. "No," he said again. "Now leave me be so I can work. I have to finish the schedule for next month."

"Okay, how about you do that, then take a break? You can't possibly spend all day deciding who's gonna cook dinner and who's gonna rearrange the boss's sock drawer."

"For your information, planning missions in order to use the best of everyone's ability is difficult enough, but most of you require an excessive amount of managing or else you begin hitting each other in the courtyard and sitting on desks."

"Okay, fine." Axel swiveled around and jumped off, scattering and crushing more papers in his wake. "I'll wait somewhere else, then."

"Then you will be waiting quite a while. Remind me to schedule you more tasks during the day, especially at times when I need to focus."

"For the love of-- Saix, listen to me for one goddamn second, will you?"

Saix raised an eyebrow at the tone. He sounded frustrated. But that, of course, was impossible.

Axel had his hands on his hips and his mouth pressed into a firm line. "All you ever do these days is work. Look at you, you've got bags under your eyes and you barely show up to meals. Outside of meetings and assignments, I think this is the first time I've heard more than two words out of you in weeks. It's not healthy, and I'm not going to stand by while you run yourself into the ground. Got it?"

For a long moment, Saix said nothing, only studied the thing that used to be his best friend. He had noticed, lately, that the habits borne of Lea's caring for others still remained after he lost the capacity to do so. Axel was still mindful of Saix's welfare, and the morale of the whole Organization (as much as a group of Nobodies could even have morale, anyway).

Perhaps he believed that Saix still needed the same looking-after that Isa had; Lea had been such a determined optimist and all-around ray of overbearing sunshine that he had never quite understood Isa's darker moods. The fatigue that would seep into his bones, the nagging anxiety that kept him awake, the crushing sadness that came from nowhere and made Isa withdraw from the world for days on end-- Lea had never suffered that, only known a friend was in pain.

But now, in one of the very few blessings of his new life, Saix did not suffer these things either. He no longer needed a crutch.

"Well?" Axel shifted uncomfortably under Saix's long gaze. "Are you getting up under your own power or do I have to drag you out of that chair?"

Saix had also noticed, as he often did these days, that his younger self had not been blinded by feelings of gratitude for the emotional care: the man before him was quite attractive. But while Isa could have written poetry about those eyes (he had not, of course, certainly not, but he could have), Saix could only notice, in the way he might notice that the sky was cloudy and breakfast was burnt, that Axel's face was pleasant to look at.

In the same fashion, Saix could coldly speculate on the reasons for Axel's coming here today to harass him into healthy habits, but he could not feel cared for the way Isa might. What was more, Axel could not possibly care.

"No," Saix said finally. "No, Number Eight, it will not be like old times. Not until we finish our work. And I will not assist you in pretending otherwise. Now leave me be, so I can make actual progress toward reclaiming our lives."

"Isa..."

"Do not _ever_ call me that." The vehemence in his tone was unexpected, but if it made Axel go away, perhaps it was to the good. "This make-believe is utterly pointless, and I cannot for the life of me understand why you continue this behavior. Playing in the yard like a child, making ridiculous faces, pulling stunts like this where you play at... at affection or concern or friendship-- it is a waste of everyone's time. Are you _trying_ to obstruct our work?"

He might have expected more feigned indignation, but Axel only deflated. "I just don't want to forget," he said.

"Forget how to be obnoxious? I don't believe you're in danger of that," Saix told him dryly.

"No, I mean the other stuff. Affection and... you know, all that." Axel waved his hand, as if to indicate in a single motion the infinite range of human experience that was now out of their reach. That dead look had returned to his eyes, the one that Saix himself wore all the time. It was good that he was no longer faking. All those smiles had never reached his eyes, anyway. Saix should be satisfied, but he was not.

There was no reason to reassure a Nobody, and Saix felt no compulsion to do so. But still he said quietly, "We will not forget."

Axel shrugged. "If you say so."

"We will _not_." The notion was utterly absurd. The very reason Saix did not condone this nonsense was because he did remember; in the face of real existence, all this fakery was downright insulting. He had once experienced real love and real joy, and he refused to sully those memories.

But Axel would not understand that, he supposed. He had never been the patient type.

"Go and have your little play session," Saix told him, suddenly coming to a conclusion. "If it keeps you occupied, and improves productivity or fighting skills, then I will work it into the schedule. Report back in a week."

There was that fake laugh again. Perhaps he should not have spoken. "Alright, I will. Thanks, Saix."

The door clicked shut, and finally Saix was left alone. He finished gathering his work from the floor and reclaimed his seat at the desk. But when he tried to concentrate again, his eyes were drawn to the crinkles and smudges on the work, evidence of Axel's interference.

Had he done the right thing? He could not condone the pretending, but how could it be a bad thing to put a smile on that face once in a while? Or was that only some lingering memory of sentiment talking?

Saix rubbed his eyes. Work was exhausting, and Axel was worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, it deleted my notes. I guess I'll use this space to tell you that I just changed the chapter titles (as of chapter 3's... delayed posting... oops). Move along, nothing new here...


	2. Hurt

It was a training accident.

Saix should have stuck to the paperwork; that was his first thought when he came to.

His head was pounding, and his face burned. There were bandages around his head, wrapped too tight, and when he tried to open his eyes the pain was so bad he nearly passed out again. He tried to speak, but what came out was something between a moan and a whimper.

"Oh, shit, you're awake." Someone touched his shoulder. "Hey, can you hear me? Saix?"

"Axel?" His voice sounded wrong to his own ears, all thin and raspy. The last thing he remembered was practicing his magic in the training yard. He had been so ready to show them all his new technique... "What happened?" he slurred.

"You, uhh... went a little nuts, there." Axel let out a hollow chuckle. Saix had never been able to get him to stop doing that. "Do you need the ice?"

Ice sounded wonderful. "Yes."

Someone pounded on the door, and it echoed painfully in Saix's head.

"Whoa, it lives!" Xigbar. Of course. But there were two sets of footsteps.

"Do you see what has come of your folly out in the courtyard?" Xemnas's voice was cold. "I warned you both that it was a fool's endeavor to exercise your advanced powers on anyone whom you were not prepared to eliminate, and now look what has happened. You might have at least waited until this week's reports were compiled before drawing our best organizer into your schemes. Now productivity will be down for weeks. I hope you are satisfied."

"Wait, you're blaming me for this?" Axel did a very good job of sounding affronted, even while his hands were very gently placing an ice pack over Saix's bandaged face. "How exactly do you figure that, when you were the one who--"

"That sounds disturbingly close to insubordination," Xemnas said quietly. Axel stopped arguing; everyone arguing when the boss took that tone.

"Well," Xigbar piped up, and there was the familiar creak of someone sitting too hard on the old chair in Saix's room, "you were the one who started the whole sparring thing anyway, and the one who insisted on adding magic to the routine. Someone was bound to get maimed or killed eventually. Hell, I'm surprised it took this long."

"Indeed." Xemnas's voice grew closer. "Were I you, Number Eight, I would be quite ashamed. In fact, I wonder at the gall it takes to show your face in here, while your comrade lies nearly dead from participating in your... activities."

"I... Saix, you don't blame me, do you?" Axel sounded lost, and worried, and so much like the boy he used to be that Saix was struck dumb.

That, and he had no answer to give. He did not even remember what happened-- only that they had been sparring, and Saix had decided to show them all a new skill that he had been perfecting in the field. He remembered entering the trance, his whole body flooded with adrenaline, his claymore blurring before his eyes as he cleared the arena, and then... nothing.

"Saix...?" Heaven above, this was all confusing enough; why did he have to sound like that?

"You might wanna quit while you're ahead there, sport." He could hear the dangerous grin in Xigbar's voice. "You're on thin ice as it is."

"Don't call me sport," Axel muttered petulantly, but the bed shifted. Saix realized that Axel had been sitting there. Now he squeezed Saix's shoulder. "Get better soon, alright?"

Saix was not so sure he wanted to be blind, weakened and alone with the Organization's top two members. But he had little choice: Axel's footsteps faded away quickly.

"What happened?" he rasped again.

"Well, long story short, Axel kept going on about us pushing ourselves to the fullest during training, so you took him up on that and went totally psycho. Nearly got half of us killed. Xemnas had to step in and knock you out."

"My powers are not made to subdue, but to destroy. Fortunately for you, I have learned control, and you will escape with a scar."

"A scar and what's left of your life, which you're lucky to have," Xigbar added.

"I... apologize for the trouble." Saix's head ached. He wanted to sleep. Nearly gotten his colleagues killed? He was already disliked by most of them-- what kind of hell would he be in for when he went back to work? He had known when he discovered the Berserker technique that he should only use it sparingly, how on earth Axel had persuaded him to show everyone was beyond him... and that was surely what had happened, for what else would explain such foolishness? Xemnas was right; this training was a terrible idea and Saix never should have given in.

"That was a pretty badass move, though," Xigbar added, after a silence. "You should work on that."

"I hope that you are not suggesting we do this again." There was that dangerous tone once more.

"As if! No, I meant against the Organization's enemies. Duh." Xigbar's nonchalance in the face of their leader's wrath was a continued source of wonder for most of the Organization's members, but it was rare to see him take it to this level. "What? Come on, even you can't deny that would've been awesome if we were't on the receiving end."

"I do not deny the technique is fearsome, but the risks far outweigh the potential gains. He will not be using it again."

"Oh, come on. In a really desperate situation, at least..."

"The risks, Number Two."

"The potential gains, Number One." With immense effort, Saix cracked an eye open to stare: the sardonic smile was in Xigbar's voice, but not in his face. Instead he had an eyebrow raised in open defiance, his mouth pressed into a tight, dangerous line. A long time ago Saix had wondered if the reason for Xigbar's high rank went beyond mere seniority; now he was nearly sure of it.

Xemnas was the first to break the silence. "Saix, you are a valued member of this organization," he said softly. "See that you do not use that technique again without my express permission."

Xigbar sighed. "Ah, well. I say just limit your exposure to Axel's shenanigans until you can handle his scene. But whatever you wanna do. Just get back to work soon, I don't wanna have to pick up your slack." The chair creaked again as he stood and moved out of Saix's field of view, and Saix let his eye fall shut. He was so tired.

"Your hard work will be missed," Xemnas said dismissively. As Saix drifted off, he thought he heard the man say something to Xigbar about them needing to talk, and potential vessels, but in all likelihood he was already dreaming.

* * *

"Mornin', Saix. What's my job today?"

Saix glanced up reflexively, began to consult his chart for Axel's assignment, then paused mid-sentence. He looked up again.

"You have something on your face."

"Yeah, do you like it? I just got these done last night." He grinned, turning his head side to side in order to display the... things... on his cheekbones. Saix narrowed his eyes and leaned in for a closer look: there were two purple teardrop tattoos right under his eyes, so fresh that the skin around them was nearly as red as his hair.

"You do realize that those are likely to vanish once your heart is restored." Everything their research had turned up about the restoration of hearts had mentioned a restoration of body as well; while anything old enough to mention Kingdom Hearts must be taken with a grain of salt, all sources seemed to agree on a physical rebirth, and the disappearance of various marks and scars. If Saix had a heart to be comforted, he might have been glad to know this.

Axel, however, waved it off. "Oh, I know. Just think of it this way: now we'll both know for sure when we're fixed! And besides..." He rubbed the back of his head, as if embarrassed. "I couldn't let you be the only one here with the face of a badass."

"Indeed," Saix said coolly. He took his eyes off Axel's blotchy cheeks to check his clipboard. "Today you will be on scouting duty with Xaldin and Demyx. See that you keep your junior member in line, and your new facial features do not make you even more easily recognizable to civilians."

That was normally a dismissal, but Axel stayed where he was. When no one else approached for their assignment, Saix simply raised his eyebrows.

"Yes?"

"Really, nothing? You don't think they look cool?" Axel's smile was strained. "Come on, throw me a bone. Here I am trying to show solidarity..."

"If you want to mutilate your own face, then by all means do so," Saix told him dryly. "But I would thank you for not making a mockery of my injuries."

"Oh, Saix, no, it's not like--"

"Particularly," he continued, raising his voice over Axel's protests, "when said injuries came about thanks to your antics."

That shut him up, at least. For a long moment Axel just stared back at him, mouth slightly open. "I don't believe it," he said finally. "You really blame me too. Well, fine. Throw me under the bus, whatever. I'm so sorry that you don't have the self-control for friendly sparring, and I'm sorry that us hooligans tried to do something productive with our free time."

"The use of deadly force against one's colleagues--"

"It wasn't anywhere near deadly until you started yelling at the moon--"

"Demonstrated at your behest, you see what comes of giving into your whims--"

" _My_ whims, sure, because you're just all about doing what _I_ want--"

"Yes, I was, until it got us trespassing in a strange castle and our hearts ripped out!" Saix's head was aching again, his pulse hammering. He was meant to be recovering, and his new scar burned worse than it had in days. He flicked through the pages in his clipboard, barely able to read them. "Here are the details of your assignment. For once in your miserable existence, please make an attempt to not cause trouble."

Axel snatched it savagely out of his grip. "Why, thank you, sir. And please excuse me for hoping that a lack of mood swings would make you less of an ass."

Had he a heart, Saix might have slapped him. "Oh, bravo, Axel. That was completely called-for."

"Whatever." As Axel turned on his heel and stalked off, Saix looked around the room. While Zexion at least had the decency to keep his eyes on his book and Lexaeus busied himself with his coffee as soon as the argument stopped, Vexen and Xigbar were openly staring. Demyx even looked about to say something, at least before Axel grabbed him on the way out.

"Yes?" Saix asked, and suddenly everyone seemed far too busy to hear him. It struck him as rather ludicrous, feigning embarrassment this way, but then again, perhaps they simply did not wish to displease him. Perhaps they thought he would be as unprofessional as Axel, since the two of them were once so close.

Perhaps Axel spoke of him as if he was. That would be just the thing for him to do, to discuss Saix's business for his own amusement.

No, no, he was being absurd. Axel was only throwing a tantrum because that was the way of Axel. He would get over it as he always did.

Saix frowned at his clipboard, trying to find his bearings. He was being irrational; perhaps he needed more rest. His head still throbbed. The scar on his face itched fiercely, and he had the strangest notion that he was being watched, even after he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugghhhh this chapter is so short I'm sorry. It was originally supposed to be part of chapter one, but then it kind of belonged in its own section and I didn't want to waste time with padding, so... here you are. NEXT ONE WILL BE MUCH LONGER I PROMISE.


	3. Anxiety

Sleep never came easy these days. Back before the change, Isa had gotten himself to sleep with a book, but since the words on the page could not draw feeling from him or help him forget about his troubles, that was useless now. Instead he would lie staring at the ceiling, bored out of his mind, waiting for sleep to come... assuming it was a good night. If it was a bad night, he spent that time restless, scar itching, glancing at the door and trying to listen for movement.

He felt eyes on him all the time, now, especially when he was alone. There was no way to explain it; it was not distressing, precisely, because he was incapable of real distress, but he was never quite comfortable.

Not that he was about to admit this to anyone, of course. Months of non-feeling, now stretching into years, would take its toll on the mind. Saix had seen the effects in more than a few of his colleagues-- Demyx singing alone in his room, repeating the same song for ninety-four minutes (they had counted); Axel sleeping for as much as twenty hours on end; Zexion practicing illusions in the attic for a similarly absurd length of time, until all that came out were neon shapes that resembled little more than the result a bad drug trip.

This inability to relax, Saix was sure, was merely a sign of his own mental deterioration. But this, at least, was manageable, and it would not do for the junior members to know about it and question his ability or right to do his job.

True, it meant he could no longer go into the field for missions-- the paranoia was even worse when he was away from the castle-- but Lord Xemnas preferred that he stay here, anyway. His skills lay in administrative work, so there was no need for him to go sneaking around in strange worlds. This was a more efficient use of resources, and he had never been especially outdoorsy anyway, even when he had the ability to feel lonely, or go stir-crazy. Which he no longer did.

(It had occurred to him, of course, that Lea would say that he was over-justifying, and that he should probably get both the paranoia and the house-lurking dealt with soon, because Lea had always been convinced that he should save people from themselves. But Lea was gone now, and Axel did not speak to him much anymore. So it was pointless to fuss over the opinions of someone who likely would not care, even if he could.)

In any case, Saix was perfectly capable of looking after himself, probably moreso than most of his colleagues. He had a journal to organize his thoughts, and plenty of work to keep him occupied. Sure, he had bad nights, when he could not get himself to close his eyes without the sudden feeling that he saw movement in the room; he had nights when he woke up in a cold sweat at some unholy hour, positive that he had heard whispers; he had nights when he got no sleep at all. But as long as it did not impact his work, he did not see any point in bringing it up. He did not need anyone fussing or doubting him, and he certainly did not need saving.

Not that anyone would want to do so, but the point was worth making.

* * *

 

A move to a place where the Heartless would leave them be was Saix's idea, and for his pains he was duly rewarded.

The Castle That Never Was had cold, bare walls and floors, and even the furniture was white and silver. That was good, Saix had decided immediately upon moving in; the stark, clinical look of the place should be a constant reminder of what they all were and what they had lost. There was no point in being surrounded by all the beauty of Radiant Garden when they had no hearts to be moved by it.

Saix's satisfaction with the new arrangements only increased as he unpacked his things in his new bedroom-- it was one of the largest, and right down the hall from Xemnas's own, perfect for his newly-official job description. Now Vexen could not talk down to him anymore, and perhaps certain junior members would stop trying to go over his head and ask Xigbar or Lexaeus for mission changes; the detailed calendars and lists of tasks to be done were kept in an office in this wing of the sprawling building, a symbolic gesture from the Superior that he and Saix alone were to be consulted on the matter.

Not that Saix had any delusions about outranking the likes of Vexen or Xigbar-- at least, not formally. But Xaldin cared little for games of office politics, and from what Saix could tell, Lexaeus and Zexion were of a similar opinion.

He was still thinking about the issue of rank when someone knocked on his door.

"Yes...?" He braced himself for some foolishness about who got what bed, likely from Demyx or one of the other overgrown children, but the answering voice gave him pause.

"Can I come in?" It was Axel.

Saix frowned at the door. This was unusual-- he had not been alone with his former friend in quite a while. It was his understanding that Axel preferred it this way. As did Saix, of course. He did not need the distraction.

"You may," he said now, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Axel came in and shut the door behind himself. For once he looked rather serious. "Can we talk?"

"We already are."

"You know what I mean." He rubbed the back of his head. He had never really stopped acting like he had feelings, and now he looked nervous. "Okay, you didn't hear this from me, but there's some kind of shenanigans brewing with a few of the junior members. I just thought you should know."

"Shenanigans, is it?" Saix asked dryly. "That's very informative, Axel, thank you telling me."

Axel rolled his eyes. "Look, I'm trying to give you a heads-up, okay? There's... discontent. People are frustrated with how long this whole business is taking."

"You're referring to the search for Kingdom Hearts?"

"I guess so. But it's more than that-- there's talk of obstructions, and busywork, and all sorts of... look, I'm just saying, watch your back, okay? People are getting restless, and a few of them might blame the one who has the most power over the schedule."

"I see." Saix sat on the edge of the bed, thinking. "And who exactly is saying this?"

"Well, that's the weird part." Axel strode over to join him on the bed, uninvited. "They're all saying weird stuff. First it's just Demyx whining about work, which is typical Demyx, but then he starts saying how some members don't have to do anything dangerous, and isn't it weird that a bunch of us don't know or don't remember the others' real names, and doesn't it feel like we're being kept in the dark on purpose-- you know, things that Demyx isn't actually complicated enough to think about. So I ask him, and he says he's just been hearing 'stuff' and won't tell me anything beyond that."

Axel sighed and leaned back. "Next thing I know Luxord is saying the same crap, and even Vexen is going on about 'some people' sucking up to the boss, and him being restricted in his research, and then this morning Xigbar started implying weird shit about 'changes' with that creepy eyebrow waggle he does, and I thought you should know about all this."

Saix watched Axel's face during this short speech. Axel's eyes remained fixed on the wall; a slight crease in his brow suggested that he was thinking about these things as he said them. For the first time Saix appreciated the fake displays of emotion; they made Nobodies much easier to read. He waited until Axel finished, then asked quietly, "And what do you think?"

Axel shrugged. "I guess I'd want things to move along faster too, but I assume we all want that. I don't see the point of trying to rile anyone up, since any reorganizing of rank would just slow us down more."

"I see." Saix paused. "You don't see the point at all?"

There was silence for a moment before Axel finally looked at him. "Well, other than to attempt reorganization in my own favor, no. But I'm not exactly an ambitious guy, so what would I know?"

Saix could have smiled. "That would be an excellent lie if I did not know you better."

Maybe he was smiling, since Axel grinned back. "I can't imagine what you mean."

"Very well." Saix drew himself up and stood. "Since it seems rumors carry a great deal of weight in this group, you may tell everyone that shoddy reports and junior members' laziness is to blame for our slow progress. If you like, complain that I lectured you quite thoroughly on the matter, perhaps on the boss's behalf."

"That'll be news," Axel chuckled. "I never knew the boss was so impatient for us to get our hearts back."

"Neither did I," Saix told him pointedly. He let the implications of that linger for a moment before he continued, "All the same, it would be good for us to know who, exactly, is eager to gain his trust."

"Other than you?" Axel asked innocently.

Saix raised an eyebrow. "Other than me."

Axel bounced off the bed. "Well," he said with his typical false cheer, "now I know who's really impatient."

"You always knew." He paused, then pressed on. "I am getting our hearts back, Lea," he said quietly. "Anyone who stands in my way will regret it, regardless of rank."

Axel's smile almost reached his eyes this time. "Well, let me know if you need any help."

"I do have one question," Saix told him before he could go. "Why bring this information to me? For all you know, I very well could have been the one slowing things down."

Axel looked honestly surprised. "Because I also know you better than that." He rubbed the back of his head again and looked down. "Besides, when we're... when I'm a person again, I want my best friend with me. I don't want my first feeling to be loss."

Saix's scar itched. He chose to ignore it. "I'm sure I'll be touched by that statement, when the time comes." He paused. "Thank you, Axel."

"Anytime." And with that he was gone.

As his footsteps echoed down the hallway, Saix had that now-familiar pang of discomfort, and he felt his pulse quicken slightly. He chose to ignore that as well. In all likelihood, it was one of those leftover reactions from the days when planning some new mischief with his friend made him excited.

He resumed his unpacking, acutely aware of his movements.

* * *

 

As a human, Isa had been something of a romantic, though he would admit this to no one. It might even be what Saix missed most about his former personality. What used to be fantasizing about the future was now only dull, pragmatic planning; what used to be hopes and dreams were now only a list of goals. He had never thought of himself as excessively emotional, and had even teased Lea on occasion for being so sentimental. But now that even his idle thoughts had lost their color, Saix often wondered whether the two of them had really been so different. Perhaps Axel too missed the way he used to see the world, though Saix never bothered to ask. It was likely he would only get teased in return.

He had also never told anyone about his list, nor did he plan to. The list, kept in his private journal, was of things he meant to do when he was again able to appreciate them, and on particularly restless nights he had taken to expanding it:

  1. _Confess to Lea (?)_
  2. _Visit dog shelter on Main St. and Fountain Plaza in R.G._
  3. _Stargazing at T. W. t. N. W._
  4. _Sightseeing in general-- see List B_
  5. _Books, music, etc.-- see List C_



 

Several weeks after moving here and starting the list, he still wondered whether that first one should be on it at all. It had long ago stopped working as a tool to motivate him, but it remained something he believed he should do, so there it ultimately stayed.

* * *

 

Very late one night, Saix had just finished updating his private lists and was wondering whether he should attempt sleep again or give up the next few hours entirely and try to get some work done, when he heard footsteps outside his door.

He sat up abruptly, ears straining. He had definitely not imagined that.

The steps were slow, awkward, and there was a thump on his wall as the walker stumbled into it. In the faint crack of light under the door, Saix saw the unmistakable shadows of feet shuffling by.

Trying not to creak the mattress, he turned and swung his legs over the side. This hallway held nothing but private quarters and a head office; while members sneaking into one another's rooms at night to carry on some illicit affair was not unheard of, Saix knew for a fact that none of the inhabitants of this wing of the castle would partake in such nonsense.

Maybe the mystery person was up to some funny business. A dangerous thought occurred to him: that maybe there really was an external reason he felt watched so often. Maybe this was his chance to find out.

Before he knew it he was on his feet, at the door, trying to open it as quietly as possible. 

What he saw made him forget his caution, however. He opened the door wider, hardly believing his eyes, though he regretted it immediately when it creaked.

It was Lord Xemnas himself who turned around at the noise. His head lulled to one side, knocking against the wall, and his eyes were glassy and unfocused. He seemed dazed, possibly under the influence of something, but that was absurd.

"Sir...?"

Xemnas blinked, mouth slightly open. He had something in his hand, Saix realized. A watch on a chain, judging by its size. Whatever it was, he now looked at it, shook his head, and clutched it to his chest. Then he looked back at Saix.

"Who're you?" he slurred, blinking dully.

Saix frowned. Of all the elite Nobodies he had met, none of them exibited this sort of confusion after the first few days without a heart, and Xemnas had never shown the sort of mental changes the rest of them had. Could it be that he was simply good at hiding it? But then how could it be this extreme? The Superior appearing vulnerable was surreal enough, but completely incapacitated like this?

"I am Saix," he said cautiously, stepping out of his bedroom. "Do you know who you are?"

Xemnas's brow furrowed. "I... yes..." He turned his gaze down to the thing in his hand, loosening his grip so he could gaze at it properly. It was not a watch, Saix realized, but perhaps a piece of jewelry; its silver tips glinted through his fingers. Xemnas traced his thumb along its surface, almost lovingly. "I'm looking," he mumbled, "looking for someone. My friends... I promised..." He trailed off, took a shuddering breath, then looked up again, as if that explained everything.

Saix stared at him. "We Nobodies do not have friends," he said slowly. He should know better than anyone. What was more, if Xemnas had any true friends even before he lost his heart, that was news to Saix.

"Nobody..." He seemed baffled by the word.

Saix steeled himself, then took a step forward. When Xemnas did nothing, he took another step. "Sir," he said quietly, "do you remember what happened to you?"

"Xeha... no... _No_ ," he snapped. Suddenly he lurched forward, his fingers latching onto Saix's arm before he could draw back. His eyes were overbright, feverish, and he stared up into Saix's face as if seeing it for the first time.

"Sir--!"

"You're next," he whispered harshly, and Saix felt a chill down his spine. "That _mark_ , he's after you, you have to go. Don't..." He shook his head again, violently, shaking Saix along with him.

The paranoia was back, worse than it had ever been. Saix looked around wildly, but no one was there. He tried prying Xemnas's fingers off of his bicep, but his grip was too strong, so strong it was surely bruising, though Saix was no weakling himself. "Let go of me," he snapped, and tried to yank his arm away.

The piece of jewelry clattered to the floor. Xemnas's other hand gripped his lapel, dragging him closer. "Don't let him take you," he rasped. His eyes were wild; in the dim grey light of the castle hallway they flashed a ghostly blue. "He's coming back, don't trust him, he took my... my friends... I h-have to find..."

Suddenly he gasped and let go. Saix immediately scrambled back, out of his reach; Xemnas fell to his knees and fumbled for his dropped treasure. When he had it again he held it to his chest, and the hallway was silent but for both men's harsh breathing.

The Superior was the first to go still. Saix stared at him, not daring to get close again. After what seemed like a very long time Xemnas looked up, face impassive as ever. He raised his eyebrows when he caught sight of Saix.

"Number VII? What is the meaning of this?"

"You... I believe you were sleepwalking, sir," he managed.

"I see." Xemnas looked down at the bauble still in his hand, holding it by the thumb and forefinger so that Saix could finally get a good look. It was a sort of pendant: five bright orange gems, set in the shape of a star. Xemnas's eyes widened in surprise-- just a tiny amount, but Saix was positive he saw it-- before he stuffed the thing into one of the deep pockets of his coat. Then he rose calmly to his feet. "Well," he said slowly, in his usual blank tone of voice, "my apologies if I woke you. Good evening, Saix."

And then he walked back down the hallway to his room, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

* * *

 

"Axel. Get up."

Axel only grunted and turned away. Saix shook his shoulder urgently.

"Lea," he hissed through clenched teeth, shaking him harder. He really did not want to be loud.

Finally green eyes blinked open. "Th'fuck...?" Axel smacked his hand away, though rather clumsily. "Go 'way, asshole."

"No. Get up." When Axel turned his face into the pillow and raised one hand in an obscene gesture, Saix yanked on his hair instead.

"Ow! Listen, you fucker--"

"Shhhh!" Saix clapped a hand over his mouth. He did not dare make a noise, not tonight. He had waited nearly three hours until that sense of being observed went away, then used a dark corridor to get here, rather than the regular hallway; he would not invite that feeling back.

Axel was glaring over his hand, murder in his eyes. When Saix let go, he seethed, "What the fuck do you think gives you the fucking right to just fucking barge in here when I'm asleep--"

"Stop that," Saix snapped. How dare he feign anger at a time like this? "Get up. This cannot wait."

Something in his tone must have gotten through to Axel, for he dropped the act with a sigh and sat up, rubbing his face. "Alright," he said groggily. "Fuck you, but fine, what's going on?"

"We were right." Saix sat on the edge of the bed, facing the wall. He had spent a good chunk of those three hours trying to figure out his thoughts on the matter, but he had not quite managed it. "Something is wrong. There is something we haven't been told. Xem-- our leader, there is something wrong with him, and there may be some enemy that we have not been made aware of. I dare not approach him about this. Or anyone else."

His fingers trembled. He wanted to pace the room, but that would make more noise. Instead he crossed his legs and clasped his hands together over his knee, trying to keep his foot from bouncing. Mostly he succeeded.

Axel was silent, so he took a breath and pressed on: "This whole operation is taking too long. We should have gotten somewhere by now. I have had some concerns about our progress, but I believed we were all on the same page, so I kept silent. Perhaps that was a mistake. No, it was definitely a mistake. Have you ever noticed how much of our workload is simply keeping us occupied? How many of our comrades are hardly doing anything useful? Have you noticed how much junior members are allowed to get away with, even when their actions are downright obstructive... I thought, until now, that it was typical Nobody apathy, or a lack of direction, but..." He spoke quickly, and as he did, he grew more and more certain of his words. "It is almost as though our leader is simply biding his time, and wants us to do the same... Don't you agree?" he demanded.

It was a long moment before Axel spoke up. "Okay... so... let me get this straight," he said, and Saix could hear the frown in his voice. "You think the boss might not be just lazy, but up to some funny business. Any idea what that is?"

Saix shook his head. "Only that his end goal may not be what he told us." A thought occurred to him, a horrible thought, that even the loss of their hearts might have been planned from the beginning. But if that was the case, why would Xemnas do it to himself? Why would anyone want to suffer the hell that was their present non-existence?

Axel scooted over to sit next to him. "Have you told anyone else about this?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Who else can I trust?" He bit his lip, realizing what he had implied. Did he trust Axel? He no longer knew. He trusted Lea, but Lea was gone. Nobodies should not miss people, but he missed Lea, and at this moment he missed him desperately. His chest ached, but the thing that should be causing the ache was no longer there. He needed a friend, but Nobodies did not have friends.

He felt a weight on his shoulder. He normally did not allow anyone to touch him in this state, but he let Axel rest his arm there.

"You know, that offer still stands." Axel was fully awake now, but he kept his voice low. Saix could almost believe he was Lea again. "My loyalties are with you, Isa, and the rest of these losers can go get fucked for all I care." He paused, then added, "You'd make a better leader anyway, I know it. We'd probably get ourselves fixed in a week if you were calling the shots."

"I don't know about a week," he was compelled to respond. Then he took a deep breath, and turned to face his former friend-- his current friend, maybe. "But I do need your help."

Axel nodded. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhh sorry this wound up taking so long! I went through a lot of fussing over these scenes, and I'm still not at all satisfied with them, but I can't seem to make them any better, and I really hoped to be done with this thing by now. Of course, that's not helped by me posting the first two chapters right before MOVING. Ugh.
> 
> And I'm sorry to say the next one might also take some time because I've only written a smidge of it and I'm in the midst of getting ready for a big trip across the country. I... I may have chosen a bad time to start posting this, guys, I'm sorry. :(
> 
> Hhhh, I hope you all enjoyed it anyway!! I kinda wanted to save the Moment of Terra for later, but I got... impatient. :')


	4. Grief

There was a new Keyblade wielder out there.

Not a Master, of course; apart from some old friend of Hollow Bastion's last ruler, there were no true Masters left. But the Keyblade had chosen a new person, apparently of its own volition, and this child had the means of transportation between worlds, where he was taking out Heartless left and right.

Only Xemnas himself knew what that meant for his ultimate plans, but he did freely divulge that only these hearts would help create Kingdom Hearts. Apparently this was the reason for the lack of progress. Judging by the way Xemnas spoke of the power of a Keyblade, it seemed the Organization was quite hopeless without one.

Saix forced himself not to glance at Axel during this meeting. This was news to him.

"So what do we do about the boy?" Vexen was the one to ask the question they all thought. "Can we persuade him to join us?"

Xigbar snorted. "As if! From what we can tell he's a proper little warrior of light. Do you really think he'll join up with a bunch of Nobodies the way he is now?"

"Certainly not," Xemnas said with gravitas. "He has made his alliances, and sadly, his new friends have little reason to let him go. If we do approach him-- and it is not certain that we must-- we dare not do so without a plan."

"Do we even need to? I mean, he's killing Heartless anyway, right?"

Larxene scoffed. "Demyx, are you really that stupid, or just that lazy? This is just a kid. The Heartless'll probably eat him alive if we let him fight on his own."

"Indeed." Now Xemnas smiled, and it was unsettling as ever. "But it is my belief that if his will is strong enough to attract the Keyblade, it will be strong enough to create a Nobody."

The room fell silent for a moment. Then Marluxia inferred quietly, "You expect him to come to us."

"Perhaps not right away. The creature will need guidance before he is ready to become our very own Number XIII. In the meantime, it may be prudent for us to put a secondary plan into place, in the event that he does not fall to the Heartless.

"Which brings me to individual assignments..." Xemnas turned those cold yellow eyes on each of them in turn. "Xaldin, carry on as you have, but rather than focusing on potential comrades, put your energies toward creating strong Heartless for this boy to send to our Kingdom Hearts. Xigbar, Vexen, and Saix, remain; we have matters to discuss. The rest of you are dismissed."

Demyx had some asinine commentary, of course, as did Larxene. Axel played along as one of the troublemakers; the rest went obediently. Marluxia remained for just a beat too long, his eyes on their leader.

"Vexen," Xemnas said once the junior members had gone, "I wonder if you still have the notes on your proposal for a replica program. We may have a use for it after all."

* * *

Sometimes Axel still got spooked when Saix appeared in his room at odd hours.

"Dude, really?" he snapped one morning as he came out of the bathroom to find Saix sitting on his bed, legs crossed and a notebook in his hand, as if he had been waiting a while. "Have you been here the entire time I was in the shower?"

"No, only a few minutes." Saix snapped his notebook shut and appraised his old friend: with eyeliner half-applied, a faded undershirt on, and his hair carefully twisted into a sort of towel hat shaped like a horse's mane, Axel looked utterly ridiculous. It was the sort of image that should have made him laugh, so Saix committed it to memory for later enjoyment. He might even find it attractive, especially with the faint blush on Axel's damp cheeks. He knew it was only from the hot water, but still.

"Anyway," Saix said, shaking off such thoughts, "I'm here to give you an assignment. Today--"

"Yeah, yeah, more work." Axel grabbed some makeup remover off his dresser and took it into the bathroom. "Is that all you ever think about?"

Luckily he was not in there to see Saix smirk. Oh, if Axel only knew...

"I'm letting you know ahead of time--"

"Can't hear you," Axel called from the bathroom.

Rather than shout, Saix got up and went to stand in the doorway. Axel had rubbed off his half-done eyeliner, and was now reapplying it with his face about three inches from a mirror that had fogged up, been wiped, and fogged right up again.

"Have you ever considered doing that when your bathroom is no longer a sauna?"

"Have you ever considered that maybe I don't need critiques on my morning routine?" Axel squinted at the mirror and apparently decided his eye was now satisfactory, though to Saix it looked the same as it had before. "Besides, it needs time to dry. That's when I do my hair." He dipped the applicator in his liquid eyeliner, then leaned forward again to do the other eye. "I've got the whole thing timed out. When my hair is done, it's time to put on pants and make the bed, and that's dry by the time I have to put on my coat, which I have to do last or else I'll get all sweaty in here. If I wait to do my eyes it just throws off the whole system."

"So I see." Saix leaned against the door frame. "Seems to me your 'system' needs a little adjustment, if it can't withstand the slightest interruption."

"Can't help that I'm a creature of habit. Isn't everyone, around here?" Axel carefully unwound his towel and began combing out his vivid red hair. Eyeliner was discarded in favor of hairspray, and the foggy mirror was futily wiped. "Anyway, don't you have your own system? I should make a point of giving you grief about it sometime. It's only fair I get to do that for once."

"If you want to visit my room in the morning, be my guest, but I set my alarm about three hours before yours."

Axel grimaced. "And I bet you use all that extra time for more work."

"When I should be using it for preening?"

"Exactly!" Axel coated his thumb, index and middle finger in hairspray and twisted the stuff into the end of a spike. "Seriously, buddy, you gotta step up your game. People are trying to outdo us in the hair department and there's only so much slack I can pick up."

"Oh, you seem determined. I'm sure you'll find a way," Saix said drily. Once upon a time Isa had been proud of his silky blue hair, but spending a full hour sculpting it every morning was a thing of the past. Even if Saix could have taken pride in his looks, the reality was that he set his alarm so early because it simply took him that much longer to get out of bed these days. All he could really make himself do to his hair was keep it out of his eyes in a way that vaguely resembled his old style, and his face... well, his face was beyond help anyway. There was nothing to be done about that hideous scar and he preferred to not even look at it.

Saix cleared his throat. It seemed his thoughts kept getting away from him today. "Well, great Superior of the Hair and Makeup, soon you won't have anyone to challenge your rule. You're being assigned to Castle Oblivion for a week. Alone."

Axel frowned. "That creepy place?"

"It's hardly any more creepy than this one."

"But it's not livable. What would I do there for a whole week?"

" _Make_ it livable. Vexen hopes to set up a permanent research lab in the basement, and Xemnas himself has plans for the upper floors. The castle needs to be made habitable for up to seven people, and I understand you're good at making things pretty. So the task falls to you."

Axel had now stopped completely in his preening, and was leaning against the kitchen sink with one hand on his hip, his mouth pressed into a hard line. "Okay," he said tightly. "What did I do this time?"

Saix raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, do you find this job beneath you?"

"Damn right, it's beneath me. We have an army of half-sentient drones who spend most of their time cleaning, and you're exiling me to a week of, what, sweeping floors and installing furniture? That's what the Dusks are for!"

"Then it's a good thing I'm sending a large group with you, isn't it? Along with a few of my own Berserkers--" his mouth still twitched at the mocking name-- "should you need them for any heavy lifting." Saix sighed. "Honestly, Axel. I know you haven't had your coffee yet, but at least try to use your head. The job will take two days at most, and you can spend the majority of it sitting around and barking orders at Dusks."

Now Axel seemed to get it, though his expression did not soften. "Okay, so cleanup is the cover story. What's the real reason you're invading my room to blather about work before breakfast?"

"Your real mission, which is strictly confidential, is to find something called the Chamber of Waking." When Axel looked blank at the name, Saix went on. "According to Xigbar, it is a twin to the Chamber of Repose, and finding it means finding the Superior's other 'friend.'"

Saix thought very often about these mysterious "friends." Xemnas had never mentioned them when he had his wits about him, but when he was left alone, or when his inhibitions were sufficiently lowered, they seemed to be the only thing on his mind.

"If he does have secrets we should know about, or hidden plans for the Organization," Saix told Axel now, "then this is the path to uncovering them. I'm certain of it."

"So you're giving me a week with C.O. to myself. Alright." Axel sighed heavily and went back to gathering a lock of hair for another large spike. "I don't suppose you have any clue where I might find this chamber, or what it looks like?" He barely paused long enough for Saix to respond. "Yeah, didn't think so."

Saix watched him for a long moment. Axel's face was set, his brows furrowed with something that seemed a little more than concentration as he sprayed down the length of one of the upper spikes.

"You know," Saix eventually broke the awkward silence, "you may want to savor this task while you can. The things I ask you to do in the future likely won't be so simple. Or easy."

Axel actually snorted at that. "Yeah?"

"In case you haven't noticed," Saix nearly hissed, finally getting fed up with his friend's attitude this morning, "things are picking up speed. Kingdom Hearts is very nearly within reach, and whatever plans our comrades have cooked up will be set into motion soon. Some of them may have to be stopped. With force."

"Whatever, I'm ready for a challenge. It'd make a nice change from all the snooping and ass-kissing."

"You may have to kill someone," Saix said quietly. There was no more point in being delicate about it. "It may be someone you know, someone you like. Are you prepared for that?"

"Do I have a choice?" Axel was very pointedly keeping his eyes on the mirror. He sighed as he angled his head this way and that, tugging spikes into place. "Look, don't answer that. Point is, I'm not afraid of a little dirty work, so get off my dick already."

Saix narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, you heard me." Axel took a deep breath and held it, then shielded his freshly-painted eyes with one hand while the other gave his head a thorough coat of hairspray. He let it set for a few seconds, then let out his breath and smiled at his reflection. "Perfect." He capped his hairspray and deftly wiped residue off his forehead and shoulders. Only when he was done did he finally look over at Saix.

Axel cocked his head, still smiling. "You know, you worry a hell of a lot for someone who can't feel anything."

"And you've never worried about anything, even when you could," Saix spat. "One wonders whether you even care what happens to us."

"Of course I don't." Axel shrugged. "I can't. Isn't that the whole problem?" He gathered his things and strode toward the door, pushing past Saix into the room beyond.

"But you remember caring," Saix insisted. "And it should still be possible to respect something that matters. What's gotten into you today?"

Axel said nothing while he stashed away his grooming supplies and began preparing his clothes for the day. Halfway through putting on his socks, he asked casually, "Do you want to get ice cream later?"

Saix blinked at the non sequitur. "What?"

"Ice cream. You remember old Scrooge, right? Apparently his business expanded to Twilight Town and they're selling sea salt there now. I thought we could get some after work today. Or, you know, when I get back." Axel went to rub his head, then stopped before he dented his spikes. He looked up hopefully. "So what do you think?"

"I think that sounds like a colossal waste of time and a quick way to get us both in trouble for meddling in that world." Just the idea of going somewhere so public made his skin crawl. "Both of which we cannot afford, for reasons that I have just finished explaining to you."

"Okay, okay, forget I asked. Jeez."

"And furthermore--"

"I said forget it, alright?" Axel snapped. Then he groaned and rubbed his face. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just that all this... everything... is getting a little exhausting, you know? Sometimes I just need to get away for a bit. To remind myself who I am and what I'm fighting for. Hell, just to remind myself of little stuff, like my favorite ice cream flavor or what a sunset looks like. Don't you need that?"

"No." The look on Axel's face was pathetic, and it only made Saix more agitated. "What I need is my heart. If you want to go waste your evening mindlessly gobbling sugar and staring at the sky, then by all means do so, but I have work to do. And I'd rather save bonding time for when I'm not dead inside, thank you very much."

"I know, I know." Axel rubbed his eyes, then frowned. His head suddenly snapped up and he looked at his fingers in alarm. "Oh, fuck--!"

Already well clear of the doorway when Axel rushed back to the bathroom, Saix rolled his eyes at the wail of despair from within. "That sounds like my cue to leave," he called, summoning a dark corridor to take him out of Axel's bedroom without undue notice. It occurred to him that perhaps he should exit on a better note, so he paused and offered charitably, "Shall I save you a plate at breakfast?"

"Yes," Axel whined, dragging his feet to the dresser. With a supremely miserable pout, he once again claimed his eyeliner and makeup remover.

"You make a very weak case for preening, my friend," he told Axel, before vanishing into the darkness.

* * *

To say Saix was unimpressed with the Organization's newly minted Keyblade pet would be a gross understatement.

Xemnas found the youngest Nobody in Twilight Town, dazed and nearly mute like the rest of them had once been. But unlike the rest, Roxas had no memory of his life as Sora.

"Isn't it magnificent, Saix?" Xemnas asked him on that first afternoon, alone in the Gray Room while they waited for the other members to return from their various missions.

Saix held his tongue. "Magnificent" was hardly the word he would use to describe this short, baby-faced thing with eyes like a begging puppy and a resting face that looked like a pout. "I am sure he'll be a great asset to us," Saix said evenly.

It was not often that the Superior faked emotions, but when he did the act was rather dramatic. Just now he looked in danger of soiling himself from excitement as he tilted Roxas's chin up, inspecting his face. "Truly a marvel. The power of a Keyblade, even in the hands of a novice... to say nothing of the power of a simple heart... I wonder how he will react to the replica, when that is complete..."

"Forgive me, sir, but isn't that program as good as over? The boy has lost his heart and his memories, so Vexen has nothing to base the creature on."

"Ah, but he has not." Xemnas smiled, and the most unnerving thing about it was that he seemed genuinely happy. "The replica program shall continue with his Heartless, which has retained his memories and identity. In many ways young Roxas is an entirely separate being." Xemnas placed a hand on the child's head in an almost affectionate gesture. "Sora's heart has made contact with one of pure light. I am sure this is not the last pleasant surprise for us."

* * *

"Have you prepared everything?"

"Yes."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes!"

"Check again; you will not be able to return here without casting suspicion on both of us and possibly missing vital events--"

"Saix." Axel gripped his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, humor in his eyes. "C'mon, relax. When have I ever let you down?"

Saix raised both eyebrows. " _Well_ ," he began with a deep breath.

"Nevermind! Jeez, what's a guy gotta do to get a little respect around here?" Axel laughed as he went back to packing. "Seriously, though, stop fussing and trust me. You know I've got this."

Saix did know. Axel was more than capable, and he was just about the only person that Saix would ever trust. But the paranoia was in full force today; it was so bad that he kept his voice low and one eye on the door for the entire conversation. "And you're certain no one suspects?" he pressed.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Well, Larxene keeps trying to get me to drink with her and gossip, and I'm pretty sure Marluxia thinks I want into his pants." He wrinkled his nose. "So I'd say the ass-kissing and the disgruntled junior member act is going well."

"Good. And the boy?"

"You mean the one on his way to C.O., or the one here?" Axel grinned. "Because either way, don't worry. I'm pretty sure Roxas likes me. And I hear nothing but promising stuff about the nice young man who birthed him."

"As long as you ensure that at least one of them is on our side when our plans come to fruition. The witch would be a good ally too, but only if you can manage it." Saix crossed his arms. His skin prickled with uneasiness and he could not fathom why. For the first time in a long while, his scar itched.

"Hey," Axel said thoughtfully, "What about Xion?"

Saix pursed his lips in distaste. The replica was hardly worth mentioning; it might be able to summon a Keyblade, but other than that it seemed to possess only the most basic mental and physical functions. Saix was of the firm opinion that Vexen should have spent a bit more time on the project before acting like he'd just revolutionized science. But that was Vexen for you.

"What about it?" Saix asked Axel now.

"Well... shouldn't I be charming her too? I mean, if we need one on our side, we shouldn't put all our eggs in one basket, right?"

"I think we should keep our proverbial eggs in the baskets that will hold them. Xion is hardly worth mentioning."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you should keep your focus on the task ahead," Saix said firmly. For all they knew, Xion could break before Axel got back, and Saix did not want them wasting any time on it.

"Alright, alright." Axel sat on his suitcase so it clicked shut. "But the same goes for you, okay? Just focus on your own end and don't fuss over me. I'll handle it."

After a long moment, Saix relented. After all, it was not Axel's fault that their minds were all slowly unraveling. And today they would take one big step closer to fixing that. "I know you will."

Axel smiled, and for a split second Saix could almost believe he was whole again and feeling butterflies in his chest. But the memory was gone as soon as he blinked.

"I'll be back before you know it," Axel promised.

* * *

Saix heard it from Xigbar, over morning coffee.

It was said between large bites of over-toasted bagel, as if it were a weather prediction or some interesting fact on the news, and immediately followed up with a lament about the quality of food in the immediate future. Their best cooks were gone.

Saix put down his fork. He was no longer hungry. Then he thought for a moment, and picked it back up again.

Xigbar did not seem to notice and kept talking. The subject soon changed to something innocuous, but Saix was not truly listening after that.

Xaldin heard it from Xigbar. Luxord heard it from Saix, and passed it on to Demyx, who passed it on to the child. Someone told the puppet. A note was posted in the Gray Room.

Xemnas saw the whole event as an impressive display of the Keyblade's power. Xaldin agreed and took it as a reason to be optimistic about their most recent members. Demyx took it as a reason to be pessimistic about his own workload. Luxord agreed with Xigbar about the food and with Demyx about the loss of resources, but otherwise had little to say beyond his usual platitudes about luck and fate.

Roxas raised his voice and made sad faces when he heard. Saix had the strangest urge to hit the boy, but it soon passed.

After handing out assignments, Saix went to his room. He did not wish to be around his remaining colleages.

Being alone, however, was also uncomfortable, and that familiar paranoia was back.

For some reason, he went to Axel's room.

Axel's former room.

It looked much the same as Saix's own, especially with most of Axel's things gone. It occurred to him that maybe he should clean it-- what if there were things that Axel would not want their colleagues to see? But that was foolish; Nobodies could not feel embarrassed. And besides, Saix could not bring himself to touch anything.

He suddenly did not wish to be in here, either, and it was unlike him to avoid work. So he left the room, using a dark corridor instead of the door. It seemed odd to break that habit now.

Xemnas did not think their losses made much of a difference, especially now that they had a Keyblade master, so he told Saix to adjust the work schedule only a little. For some reason this task was difficult today-- probably the paranoia.

Around mid-afternoon he went back to the dining room and fixed himself more coffee. Later he had a cough drop; his throat ached. He spent a great deal of that first day with various physical discomforts, including a peculiar ache in his chest that made no sense for a Nobody like him. And, of course, the paranoia. It was in full force, to an extent that usually only happened when he left the castle.

There was yet more inane commentary to deal with as the other members finished their missions and reported back. It was all very tiring.

Number XIII barely gave a report at all, and spent dinner doing a fine impression of a kicked puppy. Saix found it horribly distasteful, and stared him down until he looked shamed instead of sad. Saix wished again to hit him, but again did not.

He retired to his room early that night. He felt very drained and unmotivated, but not at all like sleeping. Instead he lay in bed on his side, staring out his window at the stars.

With Axel dead, their scheme was over.

With Lea dead, even more plans would have to change.

All his promises were now moot. There was no one to hear his confession, and only his own heart to restore. And when that happened, he would have to make time for a grieving period. He may even have to revise his private lists, since they had been made with a companion in mind.

Saix had never truly appreciated how cold this castle was.

Sleep never came to him that night, but memories did. He thought of his childhood home and all the things in it; he thought of secret ambitions and fantasies he had nursed, grand plans made in a journal with a flashlight under the covers; he thought of sea salt ice cream on hot summer days and a boy with green eyes as bright as the sun.

Lea had said once that if he was remembered, he would live forever. If that was true then he'd had nothing to fear.

For the first time in his existence, the Nobody called Saix wished he could weep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhhhhh I know ~technically~ according to the secret reports Saix had his suspicions that Axel survived CoM, but I took some artistic liberties because it worked better this way. Shhhhh.
> 
> Also, this chapter also marks the halfway point in the fic, so it's all downhill from here, folks. :')


	5. Longing

High up in the night sky above the Castle That Never Was, a tiny heart grew. Saix noticed it first, even before Xemnas pointed it out to him, and he was not sure whether this was due to some special connection with the moon or the simple fact that he spent a lot of time gazing up at the darkness above.

Distant stars and comets brought him none of the joy and wonder that they had when he was a child, but that little heart-shaped moon gave him... something. When he had a moment to himself, he often went to a window and stared up at it, trying to find a connection, wondering if their infant Kingdom Hearts had any real power yet.

Sometimes, if he emptied his mind and focused on it long enough, he did feel something. It was not happiness, or hope, or any emotion really. It was more of a stirring, a gradual awareness of the physical heart thumping in his chest, as if something in the great collective was tugging at him, calling to him.

Did the others feel this? If they had, they might have mentioned it. Maybe Saix was special. Or, more likely, maybe he was the only one desperate enough to see if he could. Few of his colleagues seemed as dedicated to their cause as he.

He wondered often about that as well. Did the child, empty of memories as he was, have any idea what they all lacked? Did the puppet? No, definitely not. It was an even lesser creature than the rest of them. When Kingdom Hearts was completed, it would probably just fade away, or be reabsorbed. Unless it absorbed Roxas first... which seemed just as likely, given the boy's apparent desire to get close to the it, and his greater tendency toward spells of weakness.

The thought of such an end also tugged at Saix, though much more unpleasantly. The two traitors, three of the fools who had caused all this, and Saix's best friend had all faded away without feeling a thing. The thought... bothered him, somehow. And the idea that he too might face that end made his insides ache.

As Kingdom Hearts grew, Saix spent ever more time staring up at it, reaching for that connection, reveling in the tiny glimmer of feeling the way a starving man might savor the mere smell of food.

Lea would have called him obsessed. Perhaps he was. But this tiny shred of hope was all he had left; he could see nothing wrong with clinging to it.

* * *

 

"Ah, Number Seven. I had hoped to find you here."

Saix looked up from his desk, automatically repressing his usual glare. The Superior always made him uncomfortable these days, especially when they were alone together, and it had only gotten worse since the disaster at Castle Oblivion. With Axel dead, Saix had no one, and he may have to act the lapdog for real. The thought was supremely distasteful.

But for now, dead yellow eyes appraised him from the doorway, and Saix stood. He had to play his part. "How may I be of service, sir?"

Xemnas smiled. "I have something to show you. Walk with me."

He turned and left the room, and Saix had to hurry out of his chair to follow. He had learned by now to simply lengthen his stride; he never wanted to give the man the satisfaction of seeing him hop and jog to catch up, like some overeager schoolboy.

Xemnas said nothing as they walked down the hall together. Sometimes he did this. Saix would simply have to wait until he was ready.

They took a few turns until they reached an area that was seldom used at present. Vexen had kept many of his research materials here until the big move to Castle Oblivion; all around them, these materials were now being carted back to their original home by a team of Dusks.

Xemnas led him to a large door at the end of the hall, which opened up to a vast computer room. "I am sure you remember the database we maintained for our research," the Superior began.

Saix nodded. This held the original copies of every file they had taken from what was now called Hollow Bastion. It was possibly the largest collection in existence of information on hearts, the various known worlds, the very nature of all the powers they tampered with... and until recently, it had been curated almost solely by Zexion.

Xemnas approached a massive screen that dominated the main wall, regarding Saix through their reflections. "You may also be wondering what will become of this place, after our losses."

Suddenly Saix understood where this was going.

Xemnas smiled at him, and pressed a hidden button on the wall. A section of the floor parted, produced a desk chair, and closed again. A large keyboard was dispensed from the wall under the screen.

"Have a seat," the Superior instructed.

Saix did so, carefully, and Xemnas showed him where to find the invisible buttons to start the thing up. He gave Saix all the necessary passwords, and a brief rundown of the information therein-- well, as brief as Xemnas ever got. Usually Saix was one of the few who could listen with genuine interest for an entire speech, but it was somewhat more difficult when the other Nobody stood directly over Saix's shoulder, one hand on the back of the chair. Occasionally he would lean over to point at something on the screen, so close that a hanging sleeve or a lock of silvery hair would brush against Saix's person.

Were it anyone else, Saix might have directed his fist towards the offending head or arm, but for the Superior he kept quiet. This was an encouraging sign, that he was trusted with something like this. He would have to explore these files thoroughly when he was alone.

"Do you have any questions?" Xemnas asked in his typical slow fashion. "You seem... concerned."

Saix became aware of the crease in his brow. "Sir," he said carefully, "this is an incredible responsibility. I am honored, of course. I only worry... my other duties..."

"Oh, I trust you can manage them without too much difficulty. You have already finished amending the work schedule for the next two months, correct?"

"Yes, sir." Scheduling, in truth, had become something that Saix could likely do in his sleep. And, he thought with dull realization, if he truly had lost both his chance for rebellion and the only colleague he would want to speak with outside of morning duty assignments, then he really did have more time on his hands.

"Then as long as we do not get any more unfortunate surprises for a while, we should do very well. Ah, there is one more thing I should show you..."

He directed Saix to the information on the replica program, including notes on Xion's behavior and performance. Most of it he already knew, but he was mildly surprised to learn that the other finished replica, which had been granted a more developed identity and even self-awareness, had turned out to be far less stable.

"I wonder," Xemnas asked thoughtfully, "How do you see our Xion?"

Saix thought the 'our' was pushing it a bit, honestly. "My opinion remains the same, sir. It does what is required of it, but it is not always reliable. It has no initiative. It remains a very poor backup for Roxas, who at least has a decent work ethic, for a teenager."

"All fair points, but you misunderstand me. How do you _see_ her?"

"Xion?"

"When you look at the replica, whose face appears to you?"

Saix was nonplussed. "I was not under the impression that it had a face, sir."

"Fascinating. In other words, you see the truth. Astute as always, Number Seven." Xemnas laid one large, too-warm hand on his shoulder. "You continue to impress me."

This was another good sign for his future, but that prickly sensation was coming back. "I am honored once more, Superior." He tried not to sound stiff. "Is this everything you wished to show me?"

"It is. But not everything I wanted to ask of you." Xemnas paused. Saix wished he would take his hand away. "I am curious... have you been keeping up with combat practice of late? In particular, have you attempted to use your specialty element?"

Now it was Saix's turn to pause. "I was under the impression that you did not want me to do so."

"Indeed I did not. But it has been a long while, and circumstances have changed. I wonder if there may come a time to unleash the Berserker. I also wonder if the growth of our Kingdom Hearts will affect it... the mythology of various world cultures often implies a connection between it and the moon."

"I have heard as much," Saix conceded. It was, after all, the entire reason he had chosen the moon as his aspect. Still, he was not at all comfortable with venturing out to research this theory-- either alone or with one of his remaining so-called allies. "Perhaps I can find time to look into it," he said, closing down the computer. "After my other tasks for the Organization, of course."

"See that you do. The Organization may require it." Xemnas shifted so that he stood directly behind the chair, and placed his other hand on Saix's free shoulder, effectively keeping him in place. "You are one of our most valuable members, Saix. I hope you are aware of that."

"Thank you," he said quietly. He regretted turning off the computer; now all he had to look at was his own hideous reflection in the empty screen. The creeping sensation of being watched was back, though that could simply be Xemnas, or the fact that the man was touching him without invitation. In a way Saix was not sure which would be worse.

"Why do you avert your eyes?" the Superior asked softly. "Do you not wish to face me?"

The paranoia was flaring up something fierce, and that tone helped very little. Were they not done here? Perhaps he would stop if Saix told him a partial truth, so he said stiffly, "It is not your face that bothers me, sir."

"Oh?" Xemnas removed one hand, only to place it very gently under Saix's jaw and tilt his chin up so he was compelled to face himself. "And what is wrong with your own?"

If Saix had been uncomfortable before, this was infinitely worse. The scar, as always, drew his attention first-- the mark of his failure, of how different and broken he was now, a great ugly dent between his eyes-- dull yellow eyes that matched the Superior's, but looked somehow wrong on his own face.

He frowned, trying to focus on those instead of on pasty skin or deformed ears or a mouth that never smiled anymore. His eyes seemed... foreign. Had they always looked this way? He could not remember. He could picture Axel's bright green, even now, but not his own.

He wondered what else might have slipped away.

Xemnas misunderstood his discomfort. "I do apologize for the mark, my friend," he said now. "Had there been another way of stopping you... I hope there are no hard feelings." He smiled a little at his own joke; of course 'hard feelings' were impossible. "If it is any consolation, you are quite lovely regardless." He caressed Saix's cheek with his thumb. "Any man who would wear this face should be proud."

Saix's hands were very still in his lap. His skin tingled horribly where Xemnas touched him, his every nerve hummed in distress, and yet he was paralyzed. It seemed almost as if he watched the whole scene from outside himself, as if it were a film that he desperately wanted to finish already. He had things to do. When would he be allowed to go?

Xemnas squeezed his shoulder lightly before finally removing his hand. "Try to remember that, as well," he said, and Saix agreed, because he was supposed to.

The Superior left, and Saix remained. His stomach felt off, though he was certain had not eaten anything unusual recently.

He looked up at his reflection again. Alien yellow eyes stared back, impassive. He would find no answers there. Not that he was even sure what he needed answers to.

He looked down at his hands. They seemed alien as well, gloved fingers that ached after he unclenched them from fists he did not remember making.

Eventually he stood, since there was no point in sitting here alone. His stomach was settling, although the paranoia was still there, some detached part of his mind screaming at him to run, run, he was not safe here. But that part seemed very far away.

He made his way back to his own office, walking as if through a dream. When he got there, he resumed his spot at the desk, as if nothing unusual had happened. After all, he reasoned, the best thing he could do was keep going.

The sooner their work was finished, the sooner this nightmare would end.

* * *

 

"Axel has returned," Xemnas said one morning, his tone just the same as it was seconds before, when he commented on new items that the castle Moogle had in stock.

Saix, who had been going through their notes on the progress of the Keyblade wielders, had paused in his movements completely. "I beg your pardon?" he asked the Superior.

Xigbar, sitting across from them in the meeting room, leaned back and laughed. "Well, I'll be damned," he chuckled, his one eye focused on Saix's face. "Your husband came back from the war."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." Saix's tone bordered on acidic. Axel was alive? Where was he now? Why had he not come to Saix first-- was he injured? And why had he not returned two months ago, when the rest of the Castle Oblivion team had been vanquished?

"It seems that he sought the missing witch and Keyblade master," Xemnas went on, sounding mildly amused. "He appeared to Roxas in Twilight Town yesterday evening, and now rests in his room. Now, onto the matter that we came to discuss..."

He prattled on about a small Heartless infestation in a world that they monitored, and how the schedule would have to be adjusted last-minute. Saix listened, his face carefully blank while his head buzzed with urgent questions. Namine was missing? Since when? He had assumed she had simply perished with the rest. And Axel had been home since yesterday evening-- when had he thought to report in? When had he planned to tell Saix? And why, why on earth was the boy the first to know?

Saix made the required changes to the work roster, aware that Xigbar was watching him the entire time. They finished their discussion not a moment too soon, and it was with a great deal of agitation that Saix said his goodbyes, made his notes, and summoned a dark corridor directly to Axel's quarters.

Dusks flitted around him in the place Between. Axel's room was at the end of a path he knew well, though he had not visited since the man's disappearance.

Saix held out a hand to open a portal, and stopped. His fingers quivered. He took a deep breath to steady them, and then emerged into the familiar room.

Axel stared out the window, fully dressed. Bright green eyes looked over at Saix, and for once they were impossible to read.

_Where have you been? What happened to you? How long were you going to keep me in the dark? Why--_

"Why didn't you report in?" he asked sharply.

He asked about Namine, about the Chamber, forcing himself to ask these things one at a time, while Axel gave him joking half-answers, as if no time had passed, as if he had done nothing wrong. He even joked that Saix might have wanted to get rid of him as well, at which point Saix turned to leave, unwilling to stay while so many more questions boiled in his throat, things he knew he should not ask if the answers all sounded like this.

_How dare you say that? You abandoned me to the whims of this_ creep _for a full two months with no word and no hope, and this is all you have to say--_

"Did you come back in one piece or didn't you?" he asked instead. He did not say, _Are you still on my side or aren't you?_

"I disposed of Zexion, by the way."

Saix stopped. So there was one answer-- one of those who had outranked him had been killed by Axel himself, not the traitors or the Keyblade wielder. Perhaps Axel was responsible for the other two as well, but Saix did not stick around to learn. It hardly mattered, anyway.

Axel was back. This should have been a good thing. It should have meant their plans could go on, but Saix could not envision their future as clearly as he had before. Moreover, when he tried to tell his old friend some of the things that had happened in his absence, he found he could not confide in him as easily as before, either, and he now got the sense that Axel was keeping things back as well.

He wondered idly what Axel would have done, had it been Saix who disappeared for so long. Axel had said before he left that they were incapable of caring... but that was not entirely true. Saix did not feel, but he had cared, somehow, about his friend's fate.

Perhaps it was only Axel, then. It was an ugly thing to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE RETURNED!!! Actually I've been posting a whole bunch of another fic, a modern AU which will contain copious amounts of akusai friendship and a whole lot less heartache. Also, Market XIII. Yes.
> 
> But omfg, I always planned to finish this one before diving into any of my other Saix-related content, I'm so sorry I've neglected this! Don't worry tho, it'll definitely get finished. Some of the later bits are already half written, actually. It's all this middle gunk that's slowing me down-- like all these conversations that have to be included, but I don't want to just copy/paste the text. So you get weird internal turmoil instead! The poor moon and fire children are so bad at talking to each other.
> 
> Anyway, I've rambled enough. I hope you're all still enjoying the miserable angstfest that is Saix's life. (And if you are, please, please let me know! I always hunger for feedback <3)

**Author's Note:**

> Eyyyyyy. After all these years, I'm finally taking that plunge into the fandom proper and posting a smidge of the fic I've been writing. Wish me luck, friends~


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